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Welcome all and thank you for visiting! Just a full time seeker in the process of translating and reassigning emotional landscapes

12 February 2009

Love is a choice not a feeling



Throughout our lives, we're told a lot of bullshit about love.
For example:
"Love means never having to say you're sorry." - "Love is blind."
And my personal favourite one: "You complete me."
As if another human being can actually make an unfulfilled person
become whole!This is trully ridiculous! God knows how many times ive heard those phrases and how many times i will be the one who feels like telling them. but thats not the point. the point is, do we actually know what we are doing when we are speaking out those words? do we really mean them or its just infatuation words we later on regret?!
well, whether they come in the form of song lyrics (i would know about this), movie lines (i would know about this), or cliche phrases passed down from generation to generation (oh i would know about this as fucking well), these
myths distort our thinking and cause us to develop unrealistic expectations of love.in other words, they help us/make us built an idea of love that aint right. and i say 'help us' because most of the times we want to have that idea. we feel that we owe it to ourselves to be happy so its like we built a paradise and then we try to get in.
those unrealistic expectations can cause a lot of drama.. but why? i keep wondering myself that and the answer is that it seds you up to be unhappy later. once you realise you cant get into the picture youve built in your head, hence, big disappointment. that is what kills the relationship since you are being prevented from developing and anjoying a real, healthy rship

When you're in love, you feel that butterflies-in-your-stomach, excited, happy, romantic, lovey feeling all the time. If that feeling goes away, something is wrong. but how true is this? When you accept this , no relationship of yours will ever stand a chance.i mean, who came up with the 'butterflies and the happy feeling in the first place?who? whoever did, i dont believe that that same very feeling can stay there for ever.
That's because a relationship between two human beings, each with their own flaws, is bound to have problems to work through and challenges to overcome. so they are gonna be moments where youre gonna be annoyed, angry or even bored with your guy!
In other words, when you expect something impossible from someone you love (for example perfection), you're bound to end up resenting them for letting you down. and while we all know that no one is perfect, thats what we all look for!

love is a CHOICE, not always an EMOTION. because sometimes when youre angry you dont wanna talk to the other person. you have every right to and you are probably doing the right thing. EMOTION. but what will make you go back and talk to him, accept his apology or give it, or even the feeling that somethings wrong and youre sad, well thats CHOICE. and it springs out from love. how many times we put down our own ego because we just want to move on with our guy? how many times we say we are sorry altho we feel that we have done nothing wrong? that is CHOICE.
In a relationship that lasts, each partner wakes up every day and actively CHOOSES to love their mate whether they feel the 'fucking butterflies' or not on that particular day.
Of course there should be romance and passion and excitement, but not every moment is going to feel like a honeymoon in paradise.That's not the way life goes.
i should know better because im one hell of a romantic guy, but it stars like a huge wave and then becomes a lil one on the shore. when i meet a guy im overly romantic to show him that i care. i cant help it otherwise. its in my brain. later on im explaining why.. back to my point, when i get into a rship with that very same guy i am less romantic and more realistic. i show him that i care but im not all over him. which is wrong because i scare them away with all my affection.. but thats another story.
When you adjust your expectations accordingly, you'll find that your satisfaction with your relationship will increase. and i wish everyone will did that. just have no expectations would be better but thats like asking global peace! (actually that would be easier)
Sure, you will get annoyed with one another. You will fight. You will struggle sometimes to figure out where the relationship is going. But you'll realize that it's normal to do so and that knowledge will give you the strength you need to work through it. what comes to my mind now im saying this is a lyric which says: 'the experience of survival is the key, to the gravity of love'. so very true to be a song.
I can speak from personal experience on this.
My last guy used to be my fav person in the world, and my relationship with him was better than any I've experienced in my life, and despite this fact, I still didn't always feel that "loving feeling" every day.

When we first started dating, we were together non-stop. We couldn't
get enough of each other. My heart skipped a beat every time he
walked in the room. Every joke he told was hilarious, every thought
he uttered was brilliant. In my eyes, he could do no wrong.

Now here i am several years later and life has gotten a little more, well, REAL.
Sometimes we used to get in a silly disagreement and it takes a day to
shake off that icky feeling (I call it a "fight hangover").
Sometimes I just need a break - a little alone time to read a book
or meet my mates for coffee, and that's ok.That doesn't mean that I didn't used to love him with every ounce of my being.
it s possible to LOVE someone even when, at the moment, you don't LIKE them very much! haha imagine you and your mum! sometimes you dont like her but you always love her!

When this happens, I know that those feelings of irritability or boredom will pass. And all it takes is connecting through a great conversation, a romantic date-night, or some other reminder of just how amazing our bond really is for that so "in love' feeling to come flooding back in. *crossing fingures*

One other important point that I want to bring up is that this"floating-on-Cloud-9" feeling that many of us associate with love is actually a result of a chemical released in our brains during the first few months (or years, depending on the scientific study you refer to) with a new partner. i have a few books for you to study if you want. and you can have my assignments as well.

This is called the "infatuation" phase. we all know what it is so i wont explain it any further as i would normally do :)

When you get into an established, long-term relationship with someone, a different chemical actually kicks in. One that makes you feel calmer, more secure and connected. This is a good thing - it means that you can actually come down from your whirlwind of can't-sleep-can't-eat-all-I-can-think-about-is-him and begin to
build a solid relationship based on who you really are as individuals and rooted in reality. thats why a lot of couples realise that they dont match as soon as they get married! call it excitement that last until commitment, call it what you want. it happens.

The downside is that those initial butterflies and excitement will subside quite a bit once you've hit this phase. It's completely normal and, frankly, unavoidable.
The good news is that you can get a lot of that exciting feelingback. It just takes a little effort.

Plan special dates. Take a little getaway (even a spur-of-the-moment weekend trip will do the trick). Do something spontaneous, like leaving a note in his briefcase that says "Come straight home tonight - I have a surprise for you" and greet him with a home cooked candlelight meal. or a shag. not neccesarilly with the right order :) All of these things will help to bring the butterflies back ... and keep them lasting long after your special moment is over.

3 comments:

  1. I salute you! Love this blog. I really do believe that love and loving someone is a choice and not merely based on feelings because feelings fade away. If someone based their love on feelings and time comes it fades, now what?! You're doomed just like that? It's bullshit.

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  2. I completely agree with both anonymous and you, blogger!
    This is very insightful! My boyfriend of two years and I are realizing these things more and more now, and it can be difficult, but it's the truth. There won't be those "fucking butterflies" (lol) 24/7 with ANYONE. People need to distinguish reality from fairy tales.
    Thanks for the great read :)

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  3. I didn't just read this... I looked for it. I have also come to the conclusion that "Love is a Choice". When I am upset with my mate and I think I've been wronged, I ask myself what I want to do about it. One thing that I have chosen NOT to do, is to say anything that will drive us further apart instead of back together. DO NO HARM. DO NOT HURT.

    What has happened over a period of time is that we both have come to the same realization. Things are actually getting better... more sweet and tender. We look at eachother and realize that we are there for each other. In doing so, we have become one. We can no more hurt the other than we would cut off our own leg.

    When two people choose to love each other despite the inevitable differences, there is a union that is strong and passionate.

    Peace.

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